THE STUFF THAT GUYS ARE MADE OF
I’ve yet to find a book by decluttering gurus that sufficiently considers the views of guys in coaching on how to divorce ourselves from our stuff. I need that book now.
It’s seldom that this always-in-a-hurry guy welcomes being stuck in traffic. I had one of those rare moments recently, however, at an intersection stoplight not far from where my wife and I live. For once, I was hoping the light would not change too quickly. I had just pulled up behind a large truck and, as I waited in the line of cars for the light to change, my eyes drifted up to the sign painted on the truck’s rear tailgate. I just had to have a picture of that.
I struggled to pull my cell phone from my pants pocket, then bring its home screen to life, find and open the camera app, and then hold it up for a shot through my car windshield. Fortunately, the stoplight delay was long enough for me to snap the photo I wanted before the truck started moving off.
My photo shows the painted white and green back end of an ordinary large dump truck. On the left tailgate panel is the name of the company, “1-2-3 Junk.” that operates the truck, and below that is the company’s phone number and email address.
On the right panel is written what interested me most, a list of the company’s hauling services: “We Haul Away Anything” and below that “Your Stuff” and below that “Ex-wife’s Stuff” and below that “Ex-Husband’s Stuff.” The truck’s signage cleverly reflects the entrepreneurial savvy of the company’s owner who clearly is well-attuned to contemporary societal trends.
Admittedly, purging yourself of a spouse and their stuff is a rather drastic way to declutter. So, after 50 years of marriage, I guess the accumulation of stuff is inevitable. Both hers and mine … but mostly mine.
My wife and I have now arrived at the point in our lives when we need to get serious about downsizing and simplifying our lives. We’re ready to move out of our family home and into smaller accommodations that would free us to do more travel, reading, volunteering and visiting our kids and grandkids. But we’re having trouble getting from here to there. Our material possessions have become greater obstacles than we anticipated. At least for me.
I figure that to rid myself of stuff, I first need to understand why I accumulated so much of it. After a long period of reflection, I’ve concluded that – surprise! – it’s a guy thing. And relationship counselors and decluttering gurus, being largely of the female gender just have not grasped in their coaching sessions and how-to books the nature of guys’ relationships with our stuff. In part that’s because nearly all of them fail to appreciate that the nature of that relationship with our stuff helps sustain and support our relationship with our life’s partners.
First, when something breaks or doesn’t work right, a guy will look for ways he can fix it. Throughout my married life I could be found periodically puttering in the garage or basement fixing stuff, even if it was almost worthless or inexpensive to replace. I welcomed the challenge of making it look and work like new again. Fixing it was validating. Macho. Role fulfilling.
Fortunately, much of my stuff often comes with an owner or operator manual and instructions, maybe even a list of repair parts and dealerships where I can purchase them. In short, I tell myself, “I can do this,” and set about fixing it.
Unlike with stuff, when a guy’s relationship with his partner starts ‘running rough,’ as will almost certainly happen at some point in a long and mostly happy marriage, he finds himself at a loss in knowing exactly how to get it working smoothly again.
There’s no “relationship manual” to guide him like there is for operating a power tool or a lawn mower. With stuff a guy’s confidence in knowing how to fix it is high. A life’s partner, however, leaves him guessing and that’s not a place where a guy likes to be. Not this guy at least.
Moreover, a guy can set his own timeline for fixing stuff, mostly. Take a look at my basement and garage and you will find fix-it projects scattered about. I’ll get around to it but first I must buy some replacement parts at a junk yard or yard-sale where there’s a similar model from which I can pirate the necessary pieces. Or maybe I need a special tool to fix it which means a run to the hardware store. Or I can wait till my neighbor is home and ask to borrow the tool I need. Stuff often imposes no urgency for its repair.
Not so when my marital relationship needs mending or patching up. In those cases, I need to adhere to her timeline not mine. I’ve lost control. Not as good a feeling as with the more patient stuff willing to set there on my workbench.
Finally, a guy knows how to make stuff respond to his touch in a predictable way (mostly). I’ll spend whatever time it takes listening to a car or lawn mower engine until I decipher what the pings, clicks, or ka-chunks reveal. Then with a few basic tools I’ll make adjustments or repairs to get it back into smooth working order.
In my marriage, however, I’m always trying to figure out what I should be listening for, let alone what it means when I hear it. Often, it’s not just her words but also tone and body language that I need to analyze. That’s a lot of moving parts for a guy to handle at one time. I do know that whatever is the issue to address, she won’t respond the way my stuff does to the twist of a screw driver or the tightening of a wrench. Much more subtle tools, often beyond my capacity to understand or use, are required in marital relationship repair.
Better to retreat to the basement or garage to work on the physical stuff I know.
Over a period of fifty-plus years of marriage, I’ve managed to keep both my stuff and my marriage humming along reasonably well. However, there’s one problem. As I approach the autumnal years of my life, I would like to believe I can look down from the mountain top of experience and share my accumulated wisdom about life. However, what I’m discovering is that I’m also looking down from a mountain of stuff that I’ve accumulated.
My material possessions - working, damaged or worn out - now far exceed my needs or wants. I’d like to divest myself from much of the same stuff that I’ve turned to as stress relievers and character builders through the years. I just don’t know how best to separate myself from the things to which I have grown so close: things that at times have been my lifeline to sanity, things that have partly defined the purpose of my existence or at least my reputation as a handy spouse.
I’ve made some attempts reading books and viewing TED talks and YouTube videos by the decluttering gurus like Marie Kondo. Her motivational words and helpful tips have made me realize the advantages of reducing stress by purging myself of stuff. One of her books - a small 200-page New York Times best seller, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up, is sitting by my elbow right now.
Still, for guys to declutter, it’s critical to take into account the unique emotions and perspectives we attach to our things … because that stuff is a stress reducer for us guys for all the reasons I’ve cited.
The one thing that’s helping me break loose from my stuff is the awareness that out there somewhere is someone who might appreciate it as much as I; someone who just might be even a better steward in its maintenance and repair.
So, I’ve reached agreement with my spouse on a decluttering plan. A simple four-step procedure:
1. Find and purchase the smaller low-maintenance place where we want to live;
2. Move what we want and what will fit comfortably at our new down-sized location;
3. Invite our kids to take anything they might want from what we leave behind, and then engage a liquidation firm to sell whatever can be converted into a few dollars;
4. Call “1-2-3 Junk” to come and clear out the rest to be donated, recycled or put in the landfill … in that order.
I’m ready to put our plan into action, but I want to repair a few of those things before I feel ready to pass them on. But my wife is very reluctant to include that additional step in our plan. About that I have no difficulty discerning her verbal tone and body language. ###